AWEtism Productions

This weekend, we had a screening of a new dvd that my husband directed and produced. It is of our son's therapist, Lynette, and a wonderful approach to autism called "The S.U.C.C.E.S.S. Approach." She and her entire team are amazing. Our son only saw her on a regular basis for about four or five months. He hasn't seen her since November really just because of weather and schedules. We are hoping to move to Cleveland for a time so that he can be with her and her staff on a full-time basis. I am excited for that.

But the weekend event was fabulous. There was a wonderful turnout, including a state representative in attendance. Neither my mother, nor I, got to see much of the screening, however, since we were chasing my two young children.

It was a long, exciting weekend for the kids. They loved staying in the hotel and being around all the people. But it exhausted them...and us. Sleeping in a room with two young, restless sleepers does not make for a solid night sleep. My husband and I played musical beds as we tried to pacify each child throughout the night. Needless to say...I'm pooped.

Being exhausted and handling a child with PDD does not make for an effective, peaceful time. On the way home yesterday, we stopped at Trader Joe's in Columbus and it was a nightmare. Both kids were just so cranky and whiny. At some point or another, both my husband and I "lost" it. We found ourselves yelling at our son because the whining and crying continued for what seemed like hours. It wasn't our best moment. And then I realized that as long and tiring and exciting as the weekend was for us, it must have been quadruple that for Benjamin.

My poor son is just trying to keep his world and sensories organized for himself. Yelling never helps. Whining from his parents doesn't help. Neither does crying or bargaining or anger. I found myself experiencing all of those during the car ride home. At one point, I even went into self-pity mode asking what I did to deserve this!!!

It was a moment of weakness on my part. I am not proud of it. I know that what I did to deserve my son was all very good. Because he is so very good. He is so loving. He cannot help his momentary breakdowns, but he's trying. It is so hard for him sometimes when he cannot express what he needs. If he has a fit, he sometimes just can't settle himself enough to use his words. I've even been there.

And today, I'm feeling especially blue because I just want my children to be happy and healthy-not frustrated and isolated. And then I found out that an old classmate of mine has a son who has recently been diagnosed with leukemia. My God, we have no problems. What am I whining about....honestly???

Anyone who has loved anyone so much (not just mothers) can relate to what I'm saying about wanting it all to go just perfectly...forever. But life doesn't always happen that way. And we find the inner strength to be at our best for everyone around us. It's not always easy. Sometimes I fantasize about running away, checking into a motel and sleeping for five days. But that won't happen either.

I'm human. I know. I will have days that are more challenging than others when I won't be able to maintain a positive attitude. But what I love is the other end of spectrum...I KNOW I am more human than ever before because I have loved more than ever before. I am so grateful for that. I just wonder if everyone is as in-love with their kids as I am? What a blessing that is! I have learned more about myself in the last five years than I ever thought I would. Somethings I don't always like, and I am learning to rectify them. Others I think: Damn! I am doing great!

I Dreamed A Dream

It is Easter evening. I thought for sure that my blog tonight would be about the great day I had with my family (we hosted my big, extended family gathering at our house.), but instead I find myself writing about Susan Boyle.

I am watching "The Susan Boyle Story" on the TV Guide channel, and I am feeling moved in a few different ways. First, I am reminded of the first time I watched her performance on "Britain's Got Talent." I remember it was one of the most absolute present moments in my life. I, like most of the world, was judgemental of her when she first stepped onto the stage. And then I felt fear that she would be embarrassed, and then I must have felt pity. The second she sang her first note, I remember feeling relief, pride, and then hope. And my entire body felt like it was radiating nothing but unconditional love. She was the ultimate underdog. And then Susan not only becomes an international sensation, but her debut album goes on to be the fastest selling album in history! It is simply amazing.

As I watched tonight's special with Susan singing "I Dreamed A Dream," this time I was lost in my thoughts. I took a journey down memory lane of all the dreams I once held. I used to have big dreams of becoming a big shot in Hollywood. I was usually a writer/producer and/or a novelist. I also dreamed that certain past relationships would somehow, someday, magically work. I used to dream BIG. Usually when I would revisit these desires of the past, I would work myself into regret, anger and fear. How in the world did I end up back in Ohio as a part-time Hypnotherapist and full-time stay-at-home mom? However, on the heels of an amazing, fun-filled and loving day with my entire family, all I can feel is gratitude.

I am glad I had (and have) those old dreams. And I know that a huge part of me still holds onto them...well not the ones that include old boyfriends, just the dreams of being a writer. But I was astonished to realize that I had another BIG dream. I always dreamed of having an amazing husband, happy and healthy children, and lots of family around so that we could have big, joyous celebrations together. I am, after all, from a large Filipino family.

Tonight I once again feel relief, pride and and most of all, hope. I realize that life did not kill the dream I dreamed. I am already living one of them--the biggest one! I have a beautiful home, a large yard for my kids to romp and play, and supportive family members all around. And I could not be more in love with my husband, son and daughter, even with all the "challenges".

As for my dream to write a novel, sell a screenplay, and win an Academy Award, I am relaxing with the knowing that there is still so much time. Susan Boyle was 47 when she first sang on a world stage. I will be 37 in August. My life is still ahead of me and it's mine to design. I know I can be at peace in focusing on my current dream, because my children are only young once, and the relationship I establish with them now will extend beyond a lifetime. There is always plenty of time to write.

So thank you, Susan Boyle, for reminding those of us who felt we were past our prime that there is no time limit to fulfilling your dreams. Thank you for reminding me that I am living mine.

Happy Easter everyone! After all, Easter is about a time of resurrection, renewal and rebirth! Don't ya love that?

All is well in my world.

The Winter of My Soul

It has been a very long time since I have blogged. That was on purpose. The winter months in Ohio, without the excitement of the holidays, can be very dark and dreary. This year there were many snow storms that kept us all hidden away in our home together. I must be honest when I say there were times I felt like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining."

On top of the weather, my son seemed to be regressing. For the past few months, he has been having massive fits. His behavioral therapist said it was good, he was "transitioning." I kept waiting for the transitional period to end, but it hasn't quite yet, although it seems to be lessening. And added to it all, my 83 year old father-in-law fell and is now in a nursing home. To say it mildly, it has caused rocky tension in my marriage. I am happy to say now that the arrival of spring seems to be helping us all.

I haven't felt like writing because I didn't want to post anything that could legally be held against me :). I'm kidding, but only slightly. I spent the last few months in isolation from everyone. I have never truly felt utterly alone. (I purposefully stayed away from any friend, with children the same age as my son, who liked to tell bragging stories about their oh-so-smart kid). But I recently spoke with an amazing friend, and fellow mother, who encouraged me to continue writing. But not only that, we were able to share our mothering experiences. And even though she does not have a developmentally delayed child, the frustrations were very similar. I started to feel normal again.

So I say to all mothers: find a trusted confidante with whom you can share in complete trust and honesty! Motherhood itself can at times feel lonely. I remember feeling this way even when my son was very young, before we even knew there was any need for concern. It's wonderful to have a supportive partner who shares the experiences with you, but there is no greater validation than connecting with another mom. Because only another mother truly gets it. Men have their own fears and worries. (I encourage fathers to also find a trusted fellow-father confidante as well). But the bond of a good female friend is simply....well...therapeutic. So thank you, Essie!

And as spring has finally sprung, I am returning to my positive intentions of being fully present, patient and loving with my entire family. I am in complete acceptance of what is truly a wonderful and blessed life. Honestly, I am just grateful that I have finally moved out of my purgatory period. Whew! It was a close one.

New and amazing miracles are on the horizon. I vow to write more frequently.

All is well in my world.

God gives us what we can handle

You know the saying "God only gives us what we can handle?" It's true. I must admit that there have been many a day when I have screamed at the heavens "YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG PERSON!! I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!!" But at the end of the day, when my son is curled up next to me, I easily remember--I CAN handle this. What is there to handle anyway? He is amazing. He is happy! He has no idea that he is not where he "should" be. That is only my own insecurity when I feel the pressure.

I continue to give him the best care I can. But I also remember that I chose to parent my kids differently. I want to allow both of them to be exactly who they are meant to be. "You're children are not your own. They come through you but are not of you." That is a quote by Kahlil Gibran that I probably butchered, but that is how I say it to myself when I need to. It helps me to remember that they are beautiful spirits in their own right, and that I have no idea what their time on this earth is supposed to be.

So I will continue to do what I can to ensure they are happy, healthy and always know they are loved--even when I lose my mind :) I gently remind them that I am human. I make mistakes. They are going to too. And no matter what, I will always love and support them.

All is well in my world.

Parenthood-The Movie

I'm watching "Parenthood" right now on Netflix. Boy this movie has a whole new meaning for me now. And I must say, Mary Steenburgen and Steve Martin have not aged one bit in 20 years!!

PDD-NOS

I should clarify: when I say that BP is moderatlly autistic, we believe he would be medically diagnosed with PDD-NOS, which is on the spectrum.

Had a meeting with the school today and they will likely need a medical diagnosis if we still think by next fall that he is on the spectrum. Ugh. Don't know why I resist that.

All is well in my world.

The note from his teacher

BP's teacher sent a note home saying he had a rough day with major flip-outs and frustration. He would scream and start hitting his leg. Ugh! My first thought was, "man, I hope they don't think we hit our kid!" He occasionally has these bursts when he's home. We've been trying to help him identify his emotions, so sometimes I'll match his voice and yell "I'm mad!"--then slap my leg. Whoops! Guess I shouldn't do that anymore.

And then the other emotions started to creep back in---feeling like a failure as a mother, embarrassment, sadness, despair. All the while I'm experiencing these feelings, my son is happy as can be. He got off the bus in a great mood, playing, sharing with his sister, hugging and kissing me.

I wish I could just say to myself that this is what happens sometimes and that it could be worse. I know I"m doing the best I can. But there are times when I just need a real Calgon break. My husband is going to be away this weekend and I'm already dreading the thought of managing both kids alone. I know I shouldn't waste such time thinking about the worst. I know that my husband has to leave so that we can make money and have help in the future. Momma needs a vacation :)

That being said, I'm setting the intention to have a fun-filled, peaceful weekend with my kids. They are both perfect exactly as they are. (I'll keep telling myself this until it's real).

All is well in my world.