This weekend, we had a screening of a new dvd that my husband directed and produced. It is of our son's therapist, Lynette, and a wonderful approach to autism called "The S.U.C.C.E.S.S. Approach." She and her entire team are amazing. Our son only saw her on a regular basis for about four or five months. He hasn't seen her since November really just because of weather and schedules. We are hoping to move to Cleveland for a time so that he can be with her and her staff on a full-time basis. I am excited for that.
But the weekend event was fabulous. There was a wonderful turnout, including a state representative in attendance. Neither my mother, nor I, got to see much of the screening, however, since we were chasing my two young children.
It was a long, exciting weekend for the kids. They loved staying in the hotel and being around all the people. But it exhausted them...and us. Sleeping in a room with two young, restless sleepers does not make for a solid night sleep. My husband and I played musical beds as we tried to pacify each child throughout the night. Needless to say...I'm pooped.
Being exhausted and handling a child with PDD does not make for an effective, peaceful time. On the way home yesterday, we stopped at Trader Joe's in Columbus and it was a nightmare. Both kids were just so cranky and whiny. At some point or another, both my husband and I "lost" it. We found ourselves yelling at our son because the whining and crying continued for what seemed like hours. It wasn't our best moment. And then I realized that as long and tiring and exciting as the weekend was for us, it must have been quadruple that for Benjamin.
My poor son is just trying to keep his world and sensories organized for himself. Yelling never helps. Whining from his parents doesn't help. Neither does crying or bargaining or anger. I found myself experiencing all of those during the car ride home. At one point, I even went into self-pity mode asking what I did to deserve this!!!
It was a moment of weakness on my part. I am not proud of it. I know that what I did to deserve my son was all very good. Because he is so very good. He is so loving. He cannot help his momentary breakdowns, but he's trying. It is so hard for him sometimes when he cannot express what he needs. If he has a fit, he sometimes just can't settle himself enough to use his words. I've even been there.
And today, I'm feeling especially blue because I just want my children to be happy and healthy-not frustrated and isolated. And then I found out that an old classmate of mine has a son who has recently been diagnosed with leukemia. My God, we have no problems. What am I whining about....honestly???
Anyone who has loved anyone so much (not just mothers) can relate to what I'm saying about wanting it all to go just perfectly...forever. But life doesn't always happen that way. And we find the inner strength to be at our best for everyone around us. It's not always easy. Sometimes I fantasize about running away, checking into a motel and sleeping for five days. But that won't happen either.
I'm human. I know. I will have days that are more challenging than others when I won't be able to maintain a positive attitude. But what I love is the other end of spectrum...I KNOW I am more human than ever before because I have loved more than ever before. I am so grateful for that. I just wonder if everyone is as in-love with their kids as I am? What a blessing that is! I have learned more about myself in the last five years than I ever thought I would. Somethings I don't always like, and I am learning to rectify them. Others I think: Damn! I am doing great!
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