I Dreamed A Dream

It is Easter evening. I thought for sure that my blog tonight would be about the great day I had with my family (we hosted my big, extended family gathering at our house.), but instead I find myself writing about Susan Boyle.

I am watching "The Susan Boyle Story" on the TV Guide channel, and I am feeling moved in a few different ways. First, I am reminded of the first time I watched her performance on "Britain's Got Talent." I remember it was one of the most absolute present moments in my life. I, like most of the world, was judgemental of her when she first stepped onto the stage. And then I felt fear that she would be embarrassed, and then I must have felt pity. The second she sang her first note, I remember feeling relief, pride, and then hope. And my entire body felt like it was radiating nothing but unconditional love. She was the ultimate underdog. And then Susan not only becomes an international sensation, but her debut album goes on to be the fastest selling album in history! It is simply amazing.

As I watched tonight's special with Susan singing "I Dreamed A Dream," this time I was lost in my thoughts. I took a journey down memory lane of all the dreams I once held. I used to have big dreams of becoming a big shot in Hollywood. I was usually a writer/producer and/or a novelist. I also dreamed that certain past relationships would somehow, someday, magically work. I used to dream BIG. Usually when I would revisit these desires of the past, I would work myself into regret, anger and fear. How in the world did I end up back in Ohio as a part-time Hypnotherapist and full-time stay-at-home mom? However, on the heels of an amazing, fun-filled and loving day with my entire family, all I can feel is gratitude.

I am glad I had (and have) those old dreams. And I know that a huge part of me still holds onto them...well not the ones that include old boyfriends, just the dreams of being a writer. But I was astonished to realize that I had another BIG dream. I always dreamed of having an amazing husband, happy and healthy children, and lots of family around so that we could have big, joyous celebrations together. I am, after all, from a large Filipino family.

Tonight I once again feel relief, pride and and most of all, hope. I realize that life did not kill the dream I dreamed. I am already living one of them--the biggest one! I have a beautiful home, a large yard for my kids to romp and play, and supportive family members all around. And I could not be more in love with my husband, son and daughter, even with all the "challenges".

As for my dream to write a novel, sell a screenplay, and win an Academy Award, I am relaxing with the knowing that there is still so much time. Susan Boyle was 47 when she first sang on a world stage. I will be 37 in August. My life is still ahead of me and it's mine to design. I know I can be at peace in focusing on my current dream, because my children are only young once, and the relationship I establish with them now will extend beyond a lifetime. There is always plenty of time to write.

So thank you, Susan Boyle, for reminding those of us who felt we were past our prime that there is no time limit to fulfilling your dreams. Thank you for reminding me that I am living mine.

Happy Easter everyone! After all, Easter is about a time of resurrection, renewal and rebirth! Don't ya love that?

All is well in my world.

The Winter of My Soul

It has been a very long time since I have blogged. That was on purpose. The winter months in Ohio, without the excitement of the holidays, can be very dark and dreary. This year there were many snow storms that kept us all hidden away in our home together. I must be honest when I say there were times I felt like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining."

On top of the weather, my son seemed to be regressing. For the past few months, he has been having massive fits. His behavioral therapist said it was good, he was "transitioning." I kept waiting for the transitional period to end, but it hasn't quite yet, although it seems to be lessening. And added to it all, my 83 year old father-in-law fell and is now in a nursing home. To say it mildly, it has caused rocky tension in my marriage. I am happy to say now that the arrival of spring seems to be helping us all.

I haven't felt like writing because I didn't want to post anything that could legally be held against me :). I'm kidding, but only slightly. I spent the last few months in isolation from everyone. I have never truly felt utterly alone. (I purposefully stayed away from any friend, with children the same age as my son, who liked to tell bragging stories about their oh-so-smart kid). But I recently spoke with an amazing friend, and fellow mother, who encouraged me to continue writing. But not only that, we were able to share our mothering experiences. And even though she does not have a developmentally delayed child, the frustrations were very similar. I started to feel normal again.

So I say to all mothers: find a trusted confidante with whom you can share in complete trust and honesty! Motherhood itself can at times feel lonely. I remember feeling this way even when my son was very young, before we even knew there was any need for concern. It's wonderful to have a supportive partner who shares the experiences with you, but there is no greater validation than connecting with another mom. Because only another mother truly gets it. Men have their own fears and worries. (I encourage fathers to also find a trusted fellow-father confidante as well). But the bond of a good female friend is simply....well...therapeutic. So thank you, Essie!

And as spring has finally sprung, I am returning to my positive intentions of being fully present, patient and loving with my entire family. I am in complete acceptance of what is truly a wonderful and blessed life. Honestly, I am just grateful that I have finally moved out of my purgatory period. Whew! It was a close one.

New and amazing miracles are on the horizon. I vow to write more frequently.

All is well in my world.